Face Value

Buff Dude and Perky Dudette Spoiler Alert: If you measure your self-worth by the size of your bust or the length of your penis perhaps you’d be more comfy mingling with the pretty people this week.


Cosmetic surgery has never interested me all that much, not because I’ve been blessed with a toned physique that ripples when I flex but because the peasant’s body I was born with is pretty much past improving.  Haircuts don’t help, jogging doesn’t help, haute couture outfits hang on me like a clothesline full of last week’s laundry. Fortunately I’m satisfied with the way I look regardless of what anyone else’s opinion may be.


Not so much a sizeable segment of the rest of America the Beautiful.  Our resident population voluntarily undergoes more cosmetic surgeries than any other country in the world (about 1.5 million per annum).  The ASAPS (American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery!) reports that Americans spent almost $7 billion in 2009 alone to surgically reconfigure the face (or butt or belly or upper arm flab) God gave ‘em for free.  Still we’re not number one in the world in terms of per capita makeovers.  South Korea can lay claim to that title, followed closely on its reconstructed heels by Brazil.  South Korea has twice as many annual cosmetic surgical procedures per capita as the USA.  Seoul is, of course, number one in the Korean rank of cities with the best and the brightest rebuilds based on the rate of repair of Nature’s imperfections.


Overall, here in the USA, women outnumber men almost 8:1 when it comes to having their visible flaws fixed.  Number one procedure for women is (you guessed it!) breast augmentation.  One could argue that if penile augmentation was a viable option the numbers might be considerably different but Alas! The male member has not been amenable to silicone implants until fairly recently and even now these procedures are rarely performed.  Perhaps it’s because the length of the shaft can only be increased by a mere 1-2 inches.  I know this because I looked it up on the web. I’m pretty sure that, thanks to new and improved browser monitoring techniques, I’m gonna be flooded with emails promising to make me a new man!


Still, if you look more like the average Joe or Jill as opposed to the Elephant Man (with profuse apologies in advance to all my less fortunate readers who happen to suffer from neurofibromatosis) you might save your money and opt for a night out on the town.  Although statistical data is sparse and hard to interpret it seems that those who’ve had surgery simply to improve their looks feel really good for the first six months following the procedure but the happiness goes South from there.  As for me I’m taking the money I saved by not getting a penile implant and heading for Las Vegas where the magnitude of your manhood is measured by the size of your most recent wager, just like God intended.  Bring it!

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