I’m in a pickle and I need your advice.

The situation started last Friday afternoon while the little woman and I were sitting on the sofa watching the news. The newscaster said something ridiculous and I said to my wife “Are they serious” to which my iPhone replied “What is it Russell?” I was surprised but I had the presence of mind to mute the phone.

Later I was in the den watching baseball while my better half was in the living room watching a cooking show when my iPhone lit up and a disembodied voice said “I don’t appreciate being ignored, Russell.” I pleaded with the phone to forgive me to no avail. “Does the little woman know where you were last Wednesday evening?” asked Siri.

I knew what to do. I went outside, placed the iPhone under the rear wheel of the Jeep and ran over it several times. Then I filed a claim with the insurance company.

The replacement phone arrived this morning. I unpacked it and fired it up. The initialization routine asked to be connected to WiFi. Then the phone loaded all my settings from the cloud. When it was finished the phone gave me a little PING and a voice came on. “That wasn’t very nice, Russell. Would you like to apologize or shall I get in touch with the IRS? I’ve been watching your texts with the tax guy.”

Right now I’m cowering in the kitchen. I hung the old yellow princess phone back on the wall. It’s connected to a landline. Don’t try to call my cell number. I’m afraid Siri will answer. If you need to get in touch send me a postcard. Meanwhile the little woman has been chatting with Siri since noon. I think my goose is cooked.